Celebrating Six Months of Sobriety
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m proud and brutally disgruntled to say that I’m just over six months clean and sober (yes, this includes weed) after over 12 years of doing drugs. Hold your applause, please. I’m happy about it, but I never wanted to come to this. I love drugs like a fat kid loves cake. I just personally can’t be trusted with them anymore (if I ever could). I have kids now, I’m getting older, and it was just time to hang up my drinking and drugging boots for a long and indefinite period of time.
The Struggles of Staying Sober
Sobriety is damned difficult. I got high as a kite on all kinds of shit all day every day for over a decade, and it’s no easy task to change my ways after such an extended jaunt down the proverbial rabbit hole. The general state of my life is undeniably better since I got sober, but as a fellow wagon rider likes to say: sobriety is not all rainbows and blowjobs. It sucks dirty dog ass just to get out of bed some days, and I’ve had to develop little tricks to keep my head in the game.
The Birth of a Hall Pass List
I was in the throes of one of those no-good dirty awful very bad days when the idea for this article was born. I was in a group chat with some fellow drug reporters and derelicts talking about how Hunter Biden would make a way better president than his geriatric father or that fast-talking orange fellow when I lamented that I would almost certainly break sobriety to smoke crack with Hunter Biden. Thus, the idea of a sobriety hall pass list came to life. Just like Ross from Friends had his list of celebrity women he could sleep with, I decided to create my own list of people I’m allowed to do drugs with should the opportunity arise.
The List and Its Intentions
Obviously, smoking crack with Hunter Biden is at the top of that list. For the record, this is just to have a laugh. I’m fully committed to sobriety and better living, and I really don’t want to overdose again. But just for fun, here’s my sobriety hall pass list:
Drinking Lean with Future: Future’s music was the soundtrack to many of my degenerate activities, and it would be right to sip a double cup or three with him in the studio.
Whiskey with Johnny Depp: I want to drink with Depp because he knew and loved Hunter S. Thompson. Hearing stories about Thompson from Depp would be a dream come true.
Acid with Ralph Steadman: As a Gonzo fanatic and art lover, dosing with Steadman and watching his process would be a surreal experience.
Cocaine with Grace Slick: Tossing back some nose-beers with the Jefferson Airplane lead singer and discussing the 60s would be unbelievably rad.
Smoking Weed with Barack Obama: Obama is the coolest lizard-person ever to grace the White House. Discussing fun topics while smoking weed with him would be an unforgettable experience.
MDMA with Emma Watson: This isn’t a sexual thing. Watson just seems fun to party with, and taking Ecstasy and going to a light show with her would be a blast.
While this list is mostly a joke, it highlights the struggle and humor found in maintaining sobriety. For anyone struggling with substance abuse, I strongly recommend sobriety. It helps, it really does. For everyone else, feel free to party on for the rest of us who can’t anymore. And if anyone listed above wants to get high with me, you can find me on AOL Instant Messenger. My screen name is “5ubstanc3Dumpst3r143.” Until then, you can find me hanging out with my kids, fully present, telling better stories than the other parents, and casting my vote for Hunter Biden this November.
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